The Diary of Alexandra Emily McHugh
by Flash On A Bone
Summary: Alex's diary. Starts 2 weeks after Morgan dumps her in Frosted Tips. I used the original air date of that episode and added 2 weeks. WARNING: EXTREME SPOILERS FOR SEASONS 3-5.
1. November 25, 2011

November 25, 2011- 12:35 PM

So Ellie bought me this diary yesterday, and I had no idea what the hell to write in it. I guess I'll start here. My name is Alexandra Emily McHugh. I was born on July 2, 1990. My mom, Kathleen Amanda McHugh, still complains because I "put her through" two days, three hours, and nineteen minutes of labor before my infant self finally decided to push my way through her nether region. My dad is Alex Coburn, but he goes by John Casey now because he works in "special places." I don't know if he knows that I saw his NSA badge. Mom and I and Chuck and Sarah are the only ones who know Alexander Coburn is alive. That's pretty much it for basic info about me. Onto other topics...

It's been exactly two weeks since my breakup with Morgan, and I guess I'm still not over him. Dad says I should be, but he never liked Morgan anyways. Throwing myself into my work hasn't been helping enough either- I find myself thinking about him a lot more than I should…

Anyways, back to me. I'm going to find a new hobby. Maybe I can sing? I've never tried it before… I have a piano, and I know how to play a few songs. I can play Imagine (that's one of my accomplishments I'm proud of) and I can play all of the Evanescence piano songs, including the beginning of Bring me to Life. I'll start with something simple. No, any relative of a Coburn, last name or not, doesn't do simple! I'll go to Karaoke night and hope Morgan isn't there, and I'll sing Listen by Beyonce. I know this is just a book, an inanimate object, but I'll write this anyways; wish me luck!

November 25, 2011- 10:05 PM

Wow. I guess I'm not that bad! Everyone said I was amazing, so I don't know what to think. Chuck told me that Morgan "went to the dark side." Whatever that means (Chuck, Sarah, Dad and Ellie won't tell me anything, and Devon has no idea) it means he's not allowed at karaoke night anymore. Back to me... when I got out on the makeshift stage at the Buy More, everybody was surprised. Hell, even _I_ was surprised when I first heard myself singing. My voice was noticeably shaking at first, but when I realized they all loved it, I got more and more confident as the song went on. When I reached "If you don't..." Sarah, Chuck and Ellie all gave me a standing ovation, and even my dad and Devon got up at the very end! Ellie started crying and saying I was the best singer she had ever heard. I was the last one, so everyone went home after that, but I don't think they'll forget anytime soon... I know I won't! It was so much fun, I may just do it again with an even harder song next week...

I just realized how much I enjoy writing in this diary. I'm not going to stop. I'll write again after work tomorrow, but I should get some sleep. I have the early shift tomorrow. Oh yeah, one thing I forgot. I work at a little pie cafe called Pie York (cheesy, right) as a waitress. That's where I first met my dad, but that's story for another day...


	2. November 26, 2011

November 26, 2011- 6:35 PM I remembered that I had the day off today, so I went to the Buy More where my dad and Chuck both work. When I got there, my dad was talking to… Simon Cowell!? I took another look. It was SIMON. FUCKING. COWELL. Talking about ME, with my dad! He turned around and saw me, and asked me if I wanted to get out of the cafe permanently. I immediately answered "Yeah, why?" (Playin' it cool…) He said to me, "A friend of your dad got into contact with me this morning. Sent me a video of you singing on Twitter. You're bloody brilliant, and I would LOVE to have you on the show! Would you like to have an audition with full immunity, which means four yesses, next June?" I freaked out right about then, but stayed cool on the outside- another trait I got from my dad. "I would love to audition, but I don't want immunity. That's cheating, and I want a fair chance like the other contestants." "Wow, ok. I've never heard that one before. Well, I have to get back to mentoring the last 3 girls in my category. Pleasure to meet you all." he said, starting to walk towards the exit. Suddenly, I realized I needed to know something. "Wait, Mr. Cowell?" "Call me Simon, and yes?" "Who sent you the video?" "It was someone named Sarah Walker. Do you know her?" "Yeah, I do. Thanks!" so my day pretty much went perfectly. I held in my scream until I got to Castle/Carmichael Industries, then tackled Sarah in a hug and screamed "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!" "Thank you for what?" Sarah asked me with a smile on her face. "You tweeted Simon Cowell that video, and he just came to the Buy More and ASKED ME TO AUDITION FOR SEASON 2 OF THE X FACTOR!" "ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" Sarah yelled, clearly shocked. "Yes, thank you SO MUCH!" "WOW, you're welcome. I didn't expect him to actually come here, I just wanted him to see you sing… wow. So when does Season 2 start?" "June of next year. I know it's six months away, but I'm so excited! He offered to make sure I get four yesses, pretty much immunity, but I refused that." "You know, you're amazing." As if I didn't already feel like that. I'm writing this in the seat of my car. I'm gonna go home and scream and hope my neighbors don't call the police. EEEEKKKKK! 


	3. November 27, 2011

Sunday, November 27, 2011- 8:40 PM So I was on break from my college when I started writing in this. I'll write today, but after today it's going to be once a week. I go to the UCLA School of Law five days a week, and I'm getting a degree in criminal psychology. I taught myself to play another song on the piano today. It was In Case by Demi Lovato. Right as I started playing, Chuck, Sarah, and my dad walked in. Once they realized I was at the piano, they realized I was zoned out and wouldn't answer. I began to sing: "Pictures in my pocket Are faded from the washer I can barely just make out your face Food you saved for later In my refrigerator It's been too long since later never came I know One day eventually Yeah, I know One day I'll have to let it all go But I keep it just in case Yeah, I keep it just in case In case You don't find what you're looking for In case You're missing what you had before In case You change your mind, I'll be waiting here In case You just want to come home Strong enough to leave you But weak enough to need you Cared enough to let you walk away I took that dirty jacket From the trash right where you left it 'Cause I couldn't stand to see it go to waste I know One day eventually Yeah, I know One day I'll have to let it all go But I keep it just in case Yeah, I keep it just in case In case You don't find what you're looking for In case You're missing what you had before In case You change your mind, I'll be waiting here In case You just want to come home In case You're looking in that mirror one day And miss my arms How they wrapped around your waist I say that you can love me again Even if it isn't the case Ohhh You don't find what you're looking for Ohhh You're missing my love You don't find what you're looking for In case You're missing what you had before In case You change your mind, I'll be waiting here In case You just want to come home In case Yeah, oooo!" They were all stunned into silence until Chuck finally asked, "Did you write that…?" I truthfully answered, "No. It's In Case by Demi Lovato. It's one of my favorites." Sarah spoke up. "Well it was amazing either way. We wanted to tell you that karaoke is off this week-" "What, why?" "-because we all have to be out of town for the entire week. Mission. We came to say bye. We'll be back next Tuesday. So I got up and hugged them all and they said goodbye. They told me Morgan wanted to see me, so I decided to give him a chance to be nice and drove over to his apartment. I started having second thoughts as I was about to knock on the door, and my inner demons resurfaced. 'He still hates you.' 'Shut up, you've been quiet for so long.' 'Since your sixteenth birthday, Alexandra… He doesn't want you. Go home.' 'No, I have to do this! SHUT UP!' I wouldn't give in this time, and I refuse to relapse. When I was twelve, I started getting bullied in school. After I was called fat, I started cutting with Mom's razors, and I purged. Mom finally found out on my sixteenth birthday; I made the mistake of forgetting my hoodie at home. The one that hid everything. I was in rehab for three months and they were the worst months of my life. I've been clean ever since, and I refuse to break that streak. Five years and still going… back to Morgan. I knocked on the door, and he opened it. "Hi Alex... what are you doing here?" I panicked after that. What was I doing here? I had to get out of there, and I'm not proud of what happened after that. I ran away from Morgan. I ran away from my problems again. I ran to my car and drove away at a speec WAY higher than the limit. My mom was the only one who knew; I've never even told my dad before today. My blade... I needed my blade. The shithead demons woke up again. Yes, that's right, go to the box... No. You don't have a choice. Yes I do! I'm not going back to rehab! If you remember the hoodie this time, you won't have to. You know you need this… Fine, just once. I can't believe I'm breaking my clean. I got back to my apartment and reached into the dark space under my purple couch until my hand hit metal. I'm really ashamed that I opened the dusty box again to reveal 16 bloody blades. I pulled out one. Put it away, pulled it out again. I did this like ten times before I finally gave in and walked to the bathroom, blade in hand. I pressed it to my wrist but paused again. The demons chanted to me. Cut. Cut. CUT! CUT! A single tear slipped from my eye and I swear, I'm gonna throw the box away after I finish writing this. I placed five horizontal slits on my right wrist, then five more on the left. As the blood ran down my wrists, it didn't feel right like it always had. I didn't feel any relief at all. I just felt numb. I stopped the bleeding, hid the box and blades in their spot again. I called a person I wasn't even sure I could trust. Could I trust anyone anymore? With shaky hands, I hit speed dial 1. Mom immediately picked up. "Hello?" "Momma, I broke my clean..." I said and burst into tears. "I'll be right over. Calm down and get rid of ALL the blades, ok?" 


	4. December 4, 2011

December 4, 2011- 9:00 AM

I managed to talk my parents out of sending me back to rehab. Dad doesn't say it, but I know he's upset that I never told him. I'm going to therapy every week now, and my next appointment is tomorrow. My cuts are healing, and I've been ok since I got rid of the blades. Chuck and Sarah know now because they're my friends and I wanted to tell them, but Morgan still has no idea what happened on his doorstep last week. I haven't tried to talk to him at all, and I'm making some big changes in my life. I don't like therapy. It's creepy, sitting in a waiting room full of people who can't do anything by themselves anymore because their families didn't care enough to get them help before it was too late. I see kids younger than me who seem perfectly fine. They're the only quiet ones, and I can guess why they're there, sitting in that waiting room silently, like their whole lives will be ruined if they open their mouths. They're always alone. I tried to talk to one girl once, when Mom first took me to therapy after my sixteenth birthday. The girl moved to a different seat, and I could relate to what was going on in her head. _Why is this girl talking to me? Doesn't she get that I'm a freak?_ I thought the same things a lot. I only talked to my mom after that. My therapist doesn't do much therapy these days. "How do you feel about that?" That's the only thing he says; well, variations of it. I want to ask him, one of these days, "How do YOU feel, talking to all these psychos with their schizophrenia and their depression and acting like you're not uncomfortable. How do YOU feel about this, _Doc_?" I'm nice though, so I'll never say it. I think he might finally snap if I ask him that. I can tell how tense his fake smile is. It's so fake it's almost shiny, if that's even possible. Everytime I go, I wonder if today will be the day when he finally can't keep that smile anymore.

Onto a different topic- Christmas is coming up. I'm already bustling around, buying presents. I even bought Morgan a present. I got Chuck some new Xbox games, and for Sarah, I got a charm bracelet and three charms. I got a gun charm (haha ironic) a charm shaped like a yin-yang with emerald and sapphire in it, and the third is a cell phone. I've heard the story of how they met because of that "broken" cell phone. I got Ellie and Devon new scrubs- Ellie's are lavender (her favorite color) and Devon's are red. For my dad, I got a set of ties. Boring, I know, but he seems to enjoy boring. I got my mom a singet ring with tiny amethysts in it. Morgan's present is a letter, explaining what happened last week. I'm still writing it, and I'm considering giving him another chance. I really do still love him... I got invited to the Bartowski Christmas Party this year, and I guess that's somewhat of an honor. They do Secret Santa every year, and supposedly my dad is bringing Gertrude, his girlfriend. I haven't met her yet, but she sounds like she's Dad's female counterpart. Daring, loves guns. Sounds perfect for him. I know Morgan is going to be at the Christmas party, so I'll try to talk to him then, where there are people to help me if I have a repeat of last week (unlikely, but it still might happen...)

In other news... SARAH'S PREGNANT! I'm really happy for her and Chuck. They deserve this, after all they've done to be here today. I'm gushing about this but I don't care. I've always loved kids. When I was younger there was a waiting list for my babysitting services because all the parents thought I was amazing with kids. They had no idea about my issues, and they sure as hell wouldn't have hired me if they had. By the time I was 15, I was the only kid in my school that had bought an Ipod Touch with their _own_ hard-earned cash! I was putting on a happy face all the time. I would feed the kids dinner. Sometimes, a few of the eight or nine year olds noticed I wasn't eating and were kind enough to make me eat, but others didn't care. I liked the other ones better. I started lying, saying I had eaten before I came and that they didn't need to worry about me. That usually satisfied them, but there was one little girl who saw right through my lies. Lucy. she was six years old. After I went to rehab, none of the parents would hire me anymore. They couldn't believe that they had been hiring a _freak_ for five years to watch their kids! I heard Lucy went to foster care when I was 19. She would have been twelve when she went into the system (if the rumor is even true) and would still be there today unless she got adopted. I always had a soft spot for that kid. I was the one who let her have one more scoop of ice cream, or five more minutes of TV and _then_ bed. Actually, I know for a fact that her mom died right after Lucy's twelfth birthday. I loved that little girl like she was my own. I'll ask my dad for help tomorrow in figuring out where she is. I know its aganst the rules, but hopefully he agrees. I could use Lucy's light in my life right now, and adoption would be such a perfect christmas present for her.


	5. December 11, 2011

December 11, 2011- 5:10 PM

It was almost a normal day- ALMOST! I finished my paper for class at UCLA and that took three hours (ugh so boring, but it'll be worth it.) After that, I went and finished my Christmas shopping, and who did I literally RUN INTO? That's right, Morgan! I almost freaked out, but I managed to talk to him without freaking out. But I will say this, it's a damn good thing I got rid of all my blades. And my alcohol. And my diet pills. My dad removed a lot of things from my apartment. I'm glad he did, though. Because of him and my mom, I'm on the road to recovery. Again. Onto other things that have happened this week... I returned Morgan's Back to the Future shirt. To Chuck. I very kindly explained that I didn't want to see him again after the events of the past month. Wait. Aw crap. It's been exactly a month since Morgan dumped me. Has it really been a month already? With the relapse, counseling, and school, I barely even noticed. Is that good or bad? I have no idea._  
_

I've thought a lot about my past lately, so here's what I remember. When I was ten, my mom was married to a rich man. But here's the thing- she is NOT a gold digger! She honestly thought he loved her. The marriage lasted 17 months before Mom found out that he had been cheating on her from the start. He did leave a good amount of money, and Dad gave me about $500,000 when he gave me access to the Buy More locker. I gave a third of it back to Dad, and I used another $245,000 to buy a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house out of LA. My favorite band is Evanescence and my favorite song is Bring Me To Life by the same group. I love video games, and my absolute favorites are the Rock Band series. My favorite TV show that isn't The X Factor would have to be Bones. People call it a soap opera, but I don't think it is! It's too disgusting to be a soap opera- but the gross is most of the reason I watch it... and this seventh season has been amazing! I have all of Evanescence's CD's, including their newest self-titled one. Ok, I'm ranting, so I'm gonna go play Rock Band now!


End file.
